Monday, April 9, 2007

Monday Mornin blues...

Could'nt sleep till 4 yesterday. I lay tossing and turning in bed for two and a half hours, and no romantic reasons involved either. Just like that. COnsequently have woken up a bit grumpy and dissatisfied with life. Maybe writing a post would be a cleansing activity.

I have a few pet peeves and a few things I don't like about myself (theres quite a bit I like about myself too though, {no, i'm not being immodest, just facing facts] )

One, when I read the awesomely brilliant book 'To Kill a Mocking Bird' there was one line about the main protagonist Atticus Finch that really hit me (Well the chief protagonist in the book could be Scout for you, however I think the main guy was Mr. Finch, Scout was narrating while Atticus was doing. That said, Scout was extremely important in making the book what it is and I wouldn't have it narrated by anyone else, or in any other way). The line is, some lady (i forget the name, time to re-read I guess...) was telling Scout this about her father -
"Your father is the same in the house as he is outside".

This kind of equinamity of being is something I crave for. I have a number of different personalities (no, not in a schizophrenic way) based on the situation (By situation I mean a combination of where I am, who I am with etc.) I am in. So in some situations I am the loud, jovial, one-liner cracking, crowd pulling,advice giving, problem solving, idea-spewing, action oriented, all-round-popular-good guy; and in other situations I am the surly, quiet, keeping ideas to myself,disinterested, tongue-tied, dull, pessimistic, afraid of authority, bored, non-excitable person.

I wish I could be the same in all situations. Maybe a mix of the two personalities. But its really difficult. I've been the same since school and don't know if it is possible to change.

Second, I have a mortal fear of confrontations. I am only able to confront people I know very well. People I don't know, or know less, are totally safe in exploiting me as much as they want- because I will never confront them. Consequentally, I end up eating up my anger and frustration- feelings which I should spew out on the exploiter. This is something I am currently facing. A guy I hardly know is really taking advantage of this trait for the past one and a half months and all I do is seethe within me and crib to people who cannot (or do not want to) do anything about the situation instead of venting out my frustration on the main culprit.Subsequently, the person is continuing to bug me and all I am doing is hating myself for not being able to do what I know is right. (I have stopped myself so much from writing the nature of my irritation to you - it would again have been the same thing- cribbing to people who can't do anything. I have to do something myself, no one else can help)

Three, I think too much about other people's feelings.Any action I do, I take too much time factoring in the reactions of everyone remotely related to its effects. Most of the time I think about myself last. I know it sounds like a very magnanimous trait but it is disgusting not to be able to put yourself first.

Four, Other people's opinion/acceptance is very important to me. I know its not a very 'cool' thing to say and would also come as a surprise, even to some of my closest friends. Many people think I do not care about opinions- thats just a persona I have cultivated. Its just not true, I have this urge to always be in people's good books, even to the point of subjugation of my own thoughts. Its a trait I hate in people, but sadly, am subject to myself

Damn, this blog should've been anonymous :)

A lone cheery note in this bleary post- we made a joke up on the way to Eagleton this Sunday:

"What is the south indian atheist's favourite movie?
Godz-illa!!" (Illa in Kannada means no/not)

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