Sunday, May 6, 2007

Spidey 3, one word review...bleh...

After three days of superb strategy, immaculate planning and excellent execution I was finally able to go watch "Spiderman 3" today. (Yes, getting movie tickets in Bangalore is nothing short of waging a war. In fact i'm thinking that if I settle down in Bangalore, I'd do well to ensnare the movie hall usher's daughter in my love-web [Spidey related post, so 'love-web'...didja get it? didja?...smart, huh? :)]and marry her, if only to be able to watch movies in the first week of their release)

And the movie, one word - bleh; and another - What??!!; and another - Why??!!

They've killed my spidey for me. You guys have heard many of my ramblings so you deserve to hear the whole story (No, no..not a long drawn tale, not another please...well, boo hoo, you've come so far, so you'll have to listen to the entire story)

...flashback...

8:30 am - I bounced off my bed, wrists extended, pointing to the ceiling and the fan, my mouth making 'whisshhh, whisshh' sounds. No i'm not psychologically imbalanced- that was just me impersonating spiderman. (Note: the point of this is that I was really excited about watching this movie. Jeez guys, do I have to explain EVERYTHING?!)

9:40 am- Pounding on RB's door as he finishes a rather elaborate and relaxed saturday morning brunch (well 9:30 is technically breakfast time, but dude, you're going to see Spiderman 3, you HAVE to get up early). Anyway, I managed to get him and KS bundled in the car and start for our 'friendly,neighbourhood movie hall' (ha, yet another Spidey reference pun - Spiderman is our "friendly, neighbourhood" spiderman. See, two spidey puns already! I should write at 3 am more often. The creative juices are just dripping right now) {SO? a piece of parantha was hanging from RB's disgruntled yet slack, sleep laced jaw. Dude, this is Spidey 3, we should've been camping outside the hall since the night before, instead of just reaching a miniscule 10 minutes early}

10:15 am- DISASTER. The movie starts.

Instead of having a typical action-chase-fight sequence start, we have the lovely Kirsten Dunst singing some crappy song about love being wonderful (Now don't get me wrong, I believe in love and its wonderfulness, but, hello? Right thing at the right place at the right time, for heavens sake?? I WANT some web slinging, adrenaline pumping, bone crunching, face scrunching, solar plexus punching action at the start of the 'action adventure of the season', not some sappy, sugary, maple-syrupy number about oh-love-is-so-awesome.[not even a passionate kiss to tilt the start even slightly favourably, bleh]

So then the movie starts in earnest,
Evil villains, scheming nemesis' your doom is nigh,
Spiderman shall tear you without so much as a sigh

(Poetry?! about a movie, Man, this 3:30 am posting sure has its merits! )

[Poetry, that was poetry, you must be kidding. The idiot actually has the audacity to call that juvenile rhyme a poem. Well, pffft even Keats and Milton must've started some time. And i'm sure their first attempts were not as good as the spidey poem i've written. Er..Swapnil, their first attempts were at 3-4 yrs, not at 25...well YOU shut up]


But NOOO, Mr. Sam Raimi has become totally obsessed with the love-jealousy angle in this movie. He shows how Peter Parker wants to propose to Mary Jane Watson (include an absolutely flat and predictable scene where Aunt May gives advice to the kid about how he should be able put the woman's feelings first if he thinks he's ready to marry..sniff..can you pass me a handkerchief? No, I don't have one, the spidey suit I bought for an astronomical price to come watch this drivel doesn't have any pockets )...[Incidently, does anyone know if Mr. Raimi is undergoing divorce proceedings? Maybe he's projecting the mistakes he made in his marriage onto Peter. I dunno, but there just HAS to be some sort of Freudian explanation behind someone trying to make a movie like this!]

And no, the absolute tosh doesn't end here. After a rather well choreographed (er...digitally choreographed) fight-chase sequence with Harry Osborn (a.k.a. Junior Goblin), Harry conveniently bumps his head and forgets all enmity with Peter/Spiderman (aaarrggghhh).

Simultaneously, three tracks are also running.

A meteorite crash releases a symbiote (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbiote_%28comics%29) which attaches itself to the spidey costume and changes spidey's personality into a spiteful, angry and aggressive person (The microscopic slide that a professor studies to determine the 'aggressive' character of the symbiote is positively hilarious - it shows a dark blob bumping away light coloured blobs. I mean, for all the high end special FX, is that the best you could come up with? seriously, guys lets hold up the ball a bit. The story sucks but you could atleast make the technical aspects breathtaking!)

Marko Flint, the actual murderer of Ben Parker, Peter's father-figure uncle escapes from prison, where, apparantly he confessed to this heinous crime(He was in for armed robbery, but he confessed to murder - harebrained). While escaping from prison he accidentally falls into a 'particle physics experiment' that converts him into...drumroll...SANDMAN, an entity that can take any shape and form (by the way, the special effects in this scene- awesome. Did some other team do the blob-bumper scene?)

Also, Eddie Brock Jr., a cub photographer in Daily Bugle steals Parker's thunder and with the aid of a faked composite photograph showing spiderman robbing a bank/empire state building (?) lands a staff job with the bugle. But Peter, in his more spiteful persona due to the symbiote, exposes him and humiliates him. This leads him to church, where he happens to chance upon the ultimate weapon of mass destruction (I really wanted to use WMD in one of my posts. Now I've done it :)) the treachourously tortuous symbiote itself. And he becomes Venom - an absolutely pathetic villain. An absolute caricature, seriously, really bad.

The rest is so bad that I can't bring myself to write about it. Lets just say that he had three villains, one love interest, plenty of money for special effects; and he blew it. All the "super-villains" looked like harmless caricatures who were defeated with effortless aplomb. Some good sequences towards the end, but seriously, I was looking to get my ass out of the hall asap by then.

Biggest regret: Got up at 8:30 am on a Saturday to go watch this drivel.

6 comments:

Ritwik Bisaria said...

But dude, u missed out on the new beautiful hot blonde babe (daughter of Police commissioner) who gave a passionate kiss to Spidy.
She may be the replacement to MJ for the sequel 4 ........... if at all they are planning.

Akshay said...

Good one ...You ought to include the scene about changed Spidey - when he's stuck by grief of MJ leaving him... That really finished the movie for me....

Swapnil said...

Ritwik: if they DO make a sequel...who's going to watch it?

Akshay: True, maybe i'll write a sequel to ythe post including the pathetic over-stretched oh-just-so-bad scene!

Jibitesh said...

Too good dude... too good... the blog obviously.

Think I should make sure you go to all such movies coz after making such an effort (Yes guys, I was responsible for getting tickets to Spidey movie on a first Sat in Blore, an achievement right??), will atleast have a good blog to read.

deepti said...

Well.. always knew ur prowess at wise cracks... but this is a 'wise crater' of sorts!!

And hey, I just realised... that particle physics scene was indeed damn good ...the movie was such trash, i completely missed that!!

Swapnil said...

Awww thanks Deepti. You actually took time out from your busy I-banking schedule to read my little rambling!..I'm touched...