In this season of BAFTAs and Oscars and Razzies and Filmfare and Screen and Mayapuri awards I have taken it upon myself to institute a brand new set of awards that seek to be the crème de la crème of all awards ever presented. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these awards will be meaningful and not inane to the extent of “Best Star Parivar on TV” type awards that some brilliant production houses have come up with.
The criteria to make it to the awards is tough, very tough (No I am not reducing the criteria for anything, no amount of money can induce me to reduce the quality of awards…er…how much money are we talking about here?). These awards will be given to those individuals who have reached the pinnacle in the field of road-crossing on Hosur road. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hosur_Road : This is a very tame description of this landmark in all those peoples lives who have to travel over it to reach their workplaces everyday. This is easily the most dangerous, overcrowded, ill-managed and crazy road I’ve ever seen, across all the cities I’ve stayed in, heck, even visited. Everyday that you negotiate this road without getting a scratch on your car is a miracle)
Apart from the myriad variety of traffic in this very-narrow-in-some stretches road - all kinds of vehicles ranging from trucks and buses to Motorcycles and mopeds to bicycles and tangas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanga_%28carriage%29 ) (yes, saw one day before yesterday neatly going along in the middle lane!) has; the biggest problem and threat comes from pedestrians who treat this road as a village square and walk across in insanely casual fashion.
Anyway, on to the awards. I shall be awarding awards to all categories of participants in the Hosur road menagerie.
Knight Bus Road Runner Award.
This easily goes to the office buses that despite their humungous size swing from one lane to the other at over 60 kmph. Truly the vehicle may have the size of a whale, but this doesn’t deter the monkey at its heart from swinging sharply from branch to branch.
I kid you not, many times when coolly driving straight in your lane, music wafting through your car with thoughts of the upcoming boisterous evening plans your reverie is broken by a loud honk and a roar. A second later a monstrous bus screams into the lane ahead of you and promptly applies brakes. This sort of takes your mind off the evening plans, because believe it or not, being alive constitutes a big part of whatever evening plans you may have.
(I wish such buses had the things-jump-out-of-their-way-and-then-jumps-back-in-place-without-any-harm property that the actual Knight Bus in Harry Potter series had (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight_Bus#Knight_Bus )
Brave (Stupid?) Fingers Road Runner Award
Have you ever seen a man driving a car and typing out a text message at the same time? And have you tut-tutted and muttered about irresponsibility, carelessness etc. Well that is baby stuff for the winner of this award. This man was driving a moped in the middle lane of the road with just one hand on the throttle while the other, which should’ve been on the brake, was busy typing out a message on his cellphone. Oh, and of course he wasn’t wearing a helmet – only wimps wear helmets OR my head is all stone anyway – can’t you see what I’m doing?
However an honorable mention will have to be given to the runner up for this award. This idiot..er..gentleman had his cell phone tucked between his shoulder and ear while going at around 50 kmph. If you think he was wearing a helmet you obviously haven’t read the earlier paragraph. Go back, read it again.
Catwalk under Fire Road Runner Award
This goes to those three people, a man and two women who were traipsing across the road slowly and coolly this morning in a perfect delta formation. One truck and my car had to screech almost to a halt in order to avoid these people. To give them their due credit none of them even batted an eyelid while we were skidding. The women did not even deign to look towards us and continued their conversation. The man though did turn his head towards me and gave a disdainful stare when he saw me making rude gestures and screaming my lungs out in Hindi at them. The stare was cold and oh-so-disgusted like what kind of idiots drive on this ramp..er..road!