Monday, October 22, 2007

Melancholy rut...

Things have become a bit too staid and predictable in the last few weeks. Not that I was a maverick adventurer before that, but I was still reasonably interested in what was going to happen in the next few days. Now, eventhough externally nothing seems to have changed, it seems that i've settled down in a rut.

On the work front, i'm actually doing interesting stuff which is being appreciated and propagated top management wide. More importantly i'm learning new stuff which in the initial phases got me so excited that I was thinking about it all the time- at home, while driving, reading. I was constantly trying to see what else could be done and was craving, actually craving to do the stuff and implement it in other spheres rather than just work.

(ok, ok I was setting up a system which could really change the way my function was being done till date. It has a pseudo-technical flavour, what with setting up servers, databases and a lot of tweaking, so the engineer and tinkerer in me got really enthralled with it.)

But now, when I'm on the verge of actually completing it and making its much anticipated release I'm feeling a bit deflated and lethargic. I'm working on it without the earlier zeal and am looking at the final product in a rather detached, uninterested manner.

I'm not able to understand why this is happening. Has anyone ever experienced such illogical deflation?

Personally, if you see the last few weekends, they've been just as active as before - the time when I did not have this melancholy gnawing feeling. I've been to see plays and movies, people have come over to my place on Fridays, been to the book fair (I bought 10 books- and even they aren't giving me the pleasure that buying new books generally gives me), met up with friends, played cards, played boardgames with AK, SC and the rest (all the rich kid games like Scotland Yard, Monopoly), explored new malls, helped out friends in need, had good food - in short, externally its been just as, if not more, active than before. But still this gnawing feeling is still persisting.

I cannot explain this. Maybe seeing other people taking decisions and following their hearts, or people willing to open up to new people and experiences, or people looking actively for change - whether professionally or personally.

Or just the fact that the future seems to be following a daily, weekly, quarterly routine, and that I don't seem to be doing anything to change it.

I need a game-changer of my own :(

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